Casey Failed the Bar
by add-duck
Summary: Casey Novak injects her own special brand of incompetence into every case she tries.


In the criminal justice system, one assistant district attorney is so incompetent she has never won a motion, let alone a trial. This is her story. Chung-chung! 

*****

Casey Novak was nervous. In her two-month tenure at the Special Victims unit, she had never won a case. But she new this one would be different. A battered woman had killed her ex-husband, but she'd done it while he was in bed with another woman. And she'd shot the woman too. That made her claim of self-defense suspect. 

This case should be a slam dunk, but Casey couldn't shake the sinking feeling in her stomach. Maybe if she'd spent more time in Evidentiary Procedure class, and less time on the softball field, she would feel more confident.

*****

Casey knew something didn't sound right. The defense attorney was accusing Detective Stabler of police brutality. Sure it might be true, but it would really hurt her case! She leapt purposefully to her feet. "Objection!"

Judge Petrovski looked at Casey and sighed. "Ms. Novak, how many times do I have to tell you? No objections during opening statements!"

"Sorry you honor." Casey shrank sheepishly into her seat. 

*****

The defendant was on the stand, explaining how she had gotten a restraining order against her ex-husband. "Why did you feel you needed a restraining order?" the Judge asked.

"Objection! Relevance!" Casey declared firmly. The _Idiot's Guide to Trial Procedure _said that if you can't think of a good objection, you should always try relevance first.

Judge Petrovski narrowed her eyes. "Think very carefully about this one. _I_ asked the question. Do you think I would have done that if I didn't think it was relevant?"

This sounded suspiciously like one of those "Leading Questions" Casey was always hearing about. "Uh...no?" Casey guessed.

"Then do you want to withdraw your objection?" the judge asked, her voice steely.

"Never mind." Casey sat glumly down.

*****

Now the defendant was talking about the day of the murder. "My husband was raving like a lunatic!" the defendant sobbed. "He screamed 'I'll kill you for leaving me!'"

"Objection!" Casey sprung to her feet. It seemed pretty mean of this woman to be bad-mouthing her husband. The poor guy was dead.

To Casey's eternal shock, Judge Petrovski didn't immediately shut her down. In fact, she was nodding! "On what grounds, Counsel?"

Oh damn. This was the part Casey could never remember. She opened and closed her oversized lips a few times, but stood mute.

Petrovski rolled her eyes. "I'll give you a hint, Ms. Novak. When someone _hears _something that someone else _said _outside of court, that's..." 

"Hearsay!" Casey announced triumphantly.

Judge Petrovski exhaled in silent relief, thinking that she didn't have to work this hard when Alex Cabot was alive. "Response?" she asked, turning to the defense attorney.

Trevor smiled smugly. "Under rule 803 (3) of the New York State rules of evidence, a statement of the declarant's then-existing state of mind, including intent or plan, is an exception to hearsay and shall be admitted," he smarmed. 

"Do you have anything to add, Ms. Novak?" Casey shock her head, not trusting her voice. She wasn't sure what half of those words meant.

"I'll have to overrule the objection." Petrovski glanced sympathetically at Casey. "You were darn close that time, though."

Well, that was something.

*****

After the trial, Casey trudged dejectedly into the squad room. "How'd it go, Counselor?" Elliot asked jovially. 

"I lost," Casey sighed.

"What?" Olivia gasped. "I thought the defendant confessed on the stand!"

"She did." Casey was close to tears. "But then I was so excited I forgot the difference between a dismissal and a continuance…"

"Oh no!" Olivia blanched.

"That's messed up," Fin muttered darkly.

"And now I've been summoned to Branch's office." Casey's unnaturally pale chin quivered. "Wish me luck, you guys."

"Good luck!" the detectives chorused sincerely. They watched Casey as she collected her bike helmet and plodded out of the room. 

"Good luck in your new job after Branch fires your ass!" Munch finished the thought they'd all shared. The detectives giggled maliciously, and went back to work.

*****

"Cassandra, come in and sit down." Branch smiled warmly and gestured to a chair.

Casey knew it was a bad sign when the DA called her "Cassandra." It wasn't her name, but that didn't stop Branch from using it every time he wanted to patronize her. 

"We had a saying back on the farm," Branch began slowly. "Sauce for the goose may be good for the gander, but you should never put beef gravy on your Sunday chicken. Do I make myself clear?"

Casey shock her head. Branch tried again. "You're an athlete, aren't you Cassandra? What about a sports metaphor? Because even the best short-stop can get put on the synchronized swimming team…"

"Oh cut it out with the Southern Fried Wisdom all ready!" Casey exploded. "Just tell me…am I being fired?"

Branch looked surprised. "Fired? Goodness no! I'm transferring you to the Major Case Squad!"

Casey was stunned. "But…I've never won a case!" 

"I know it!" Branch's eyes narrowed in glee. "Their win-loss ratio is getting entirely to high. Plus, somebody needs to rein that Goren fella in." Branch mentally pictured hands-on Casey showing up at one of Goren's crime scenes, telling him how to do his job and manhandling the evidence. The thought filled him with malicious glee.

Casey felt like weeping for joy. "I can't believe I still have a job!"

"Ah, Cassandra," Branch said knowingly, "As long as there are office politics and inter-departmental bickering, there will always be a place for you in the DA's office. Now, scoot little missy!"

Casey, late for batting practice, skipped out the door.


End file.
